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DECEMBER HAS ONLY just begun, but already we are seeing the effects of the Christmas rush on our streets and in our shopping centres.

Don’t go up town. Don’t. In fact, if you can get away with not leaving the house at all, you should do that. If you ignore our warnings, you will witness all of this.

1. A person bundled up against the winter chill, but also lightly perspiring

This person could even be you, on a bad day.

On the street you are be-hatted and be-scarved and snug as a bug, but in the overheated, overcrowded shops you are fighting to lose as much clothing as possible short of being naked. You can’t win.

2. A parent wrangling a wailing child and experiencing palpable regret

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We can sympathise while also putting in our earphones and pretending they aren’t there.

3. A busker making an absolute hames of a beloved Christmas tune

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For some reason, his squawking seems to follow you up the street and into the shops and Jesus, will you ever get away from his woeful Bono impression?

4. A scruffy-looking Santa shaking a bucket for charity

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You don’t remember Santy ever wearing Converse, but you’ll let him off.

5. Someone standing in the middle of the street trying to get an artsy picture of the lights

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HURRY UP I NEED TO WALK IN FRONT OF YOU AND I DON’T WANT TO BE IMMORTALISED ON YOUR ROTTEN INSTAGRAM.

6. Someone standing in the middle of the street taking a picture of their significant other under the lights

That’s two people taking up valuable real estate in the middle of the street. It’s unacceptable!

7. A gang of merry 12 Pubs lads zig-zagging down the footpath in their Christmas jumpers

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Avoid, quick, lest you be pulled into a circle and forced to jump up and down to Chelsea Dagger with them.

8. The old friends stopping to have a lovely chat… in the doorway of the shop

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A cardinal sin. There should be some kind of law against this.

9. Someone craning their necks over the crowd to try and locate the person they came with

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They’re gone forever, mate. Sorry.

10. Several people sitting in their cars, waiting to get into a car park

They’ve been waiting so long that they’ve entered into a sort of trance, staring out the window at nothing at all. We don’t envy them.

11. And some romantic loudly proclaiming to a friend that they love the ‘Christmassy atmosphere’

You mean you enjoy witnessing the panic and frustration in people’s eyes as they try to plough through the heaving masses? You sociopath.

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